Found Poem: Advice on Buying Jeans

Advice on Buying Jeans

I am talking to a friend and she says to me:
Women’s sizes and cuts both are voodoo so I feel your pain.
I mean I don’t even know.
And then she said, as if picking up the offending garment:
So here is a size 28.
That should match to about a size 8 in H&M…
Which is approximately a 6 1/2 in Gap but…
Perhaps a 10 depending on Gap’s mood today.
It’s quite rainy, so perhaps a 9 1/2 in Angry TJ Maxx Language.
Also by size 28 we mean 19.75, good day.

My life.
She says
Every store, literally everywhere I turn
It’s The Worst.

[A deep breath]

Odd numbered sizes don’t usually exist, except in juniors
and sometimes when H&M is feeling a bit bored.
Also depending on the alignment of the stars.

I tell her I usually fall between a 6 and 10.

I think you mean 0 to 18
She says
Because women’s sizes are straight-up nonsense.
You have to hunt at the right time of season.
She offers.
 Now it’s the ‘Summer Fashion All of The Money Time’
I’ve decided to kinda go with Gap sale when I have money
And/or need retail therapy.
Otherwise I can’t.

[A moment’s consideration]

I also have decided to lay off the denim.
At least for a bit.

[a shake of her head]

Jeans are always like-
Too small for your calves
Too big for your ankles
Just right for your thighs
Too small for your hips
Too big for your waist.

And also none of these and all of these at once.
Depending, of course, on star alignment and cloud density on
the 18th of June, 1975.


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